The correct order of the sequence Paper, Scissors, Stone is just that – but not everyone realises, so thought I’d better lay any confusion to rest.

It was established in the 19th century and became law in the UK in 1842 as a  legally binding way of reaching an agreement.

UK laws seems to removed a lot less frequently than they’re added so it’s quite possible it’s still there.

All this knowledge, seems to have been lost over the years

Americans seem to say Rock Paper Scissors but this is wrong. At that stage they were still spending their time eliminating the natives of their country and were presumably too busy to keep up with proper legal matters.

They were independent by then I suppose, but nevertheless, this is something that should really have been an International standard from day

By 1842 British residents had long ago moved on to tormenting or eliminating the natives of other parts of the world and left a crack legal team behind to establish legal rules like Paper, Scissors, Stone.

On the positive side, both nations were consistent in renaming bits of the world to sound like bits of England.

Most of the British Empire was just changed to be spelled and pronounced to sound English whereas America just used English names and put New in front of them to give New York, New England and so on.

Not all of them of course – Wolverhampton, for example remains one of a kind

On another bit of lost knowledge, I discover, there was a musical genre in the 80s called Loutish Grebo.

My teenage years fell mostly into that decade and yet, I’d never even heard of this.

Just feel I wasted the best years of my life now.

In fact, my only significant achievement in that decade was winning the competition for fastest speed ever recorded on a motorcycle over speed bumps on Nottingham University campus. That was 80mph, since you ask and was independently witnessed by my passenger, the lovely Emma, who is now my wife.

Aside from that record, I think I just wasted the 80s really

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Summary of a few NFTDs sent last week cataloguing my left optic nerve, which is being eaten by my immune system in an annoying – but efficient fashion

i) I have just had drops put into my eyes to dilate my pupils so my optic nerves can be inspected when I go back in half an hour.
I recall that larger pupils make people more attractive so I wandered round town looking at women to see if anyone swooned.

No evident improvement here but I didn’t start from a high base point I suppose.
One old-ish woman did smile, but I think in a call an end to your staring kind of way rather than a contented smile whilst musing about my trouserage kind of way.
My focus in both eyes temporarily knackered up by large pupils, so I suppose I might have known her.

ii) Eye drop effect getting more now. Can’t read anything I’m writing so will have to stop

iii) After the optic nerve review, I looked at myself in a mirror. The eyes have huge pupils which, coupled with me not having shaved for a few days, made me look more Jack Nicholson in The Shining than Brad Pitt

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I also said hello to a blurry teenage girl in Costa who, I think was a friend of my daughter.

If she was, she’ll think I’m an attentive parent who knows all his offspring’s friends.

If not, she’ll think I’m a predatory psychopath and will be warning the school about me as we speak.

News for the Day here was news from the day of the UK general election:

At the time of going to press, there seems to be a recount for Nigel Farrage’s attempt to win the new South Thanet Fascist constituency so, to ease the tension – and move back to my non-political agenda, I bring you bits of unrelated trivia I learned whilst trying to avoid the election on TV/radio last night

i) The Gavel – the hammer used by judges to call order in court is not used in English courts.

This has appeared in TV crime/legal programmes for my whole life which are just a fraud

 

ii) First use of OMG for Oh My God was by the First Sea Lord during the First World War – thus beating Hannah Montana by nearly a century.

And is that her real name by the way –  and if so, what were Mr and Mrs Montana senior thinking of?

 

iii) There is a woman who works for the American arm of a company a friend of mine works at called Ginger Bitz.

This begs the same question of her parents or, alternatively whether she actually married a Mr Bitz and it is self inflicted. In the latter case, Mr Bitz must be quite something for marrying him to be worth a lifetime of that name

I didn’t learn this last night – just seemed to follow on from point (ii) *

 

iv) Seems there is an increasingly long list of celebrities who are 1 year younger than me. Clearly this suggests I’m becoming paranoid about my age and noticing more.

The latest is Matt LeBlanc who plays Joey in Friends.

I think I can cling on to the fact that he appears to have greyer hair than me, and set aside the fact that his hair is not falling out and that he is rich and famous and women all love him.

I could go on here….

 

* I don’t think this is sexist– a vaguely similar line could have worked just as well for a man.

Nevertheless, if you’re reading this on a work computer, I urge you not to Google Ginger Bitz. God knows what results that would come up with

I have taken to sending a News for the Day email out at work for the benefit of my department, since I can’t talk at them while I’m typing it. I decided to send them out here as well so I can inflict them on readers of this. You have, after all,  at least tacitly agreed to get this

I have subtly edited it to take out anything offensive.

Probably seems a bit perverse that I have to edit something before I send to the Net, that I’ve already been prepared to send out at work. I’m supposed to be well behaved there, whereas on the Net it seems to be culturally acceptable to send out anything up to, and including pictures of your own gentleman’s/lady’s areas.

I’m told

News items:

  1. The number of people telling me I should write a book is now well into 3 figures – most of which, I believe have been to attempts stop me sending this stuff at work.

Some offers to manage distribution for it as well.

Curiously, the site stats on this Blog show the most consistent viewers are from Bolivia and a few other South American countries, which does suggest distributing actual paper books may be a non-starter.

2. I did include a note in an earlier Post asking the Bolivians to make themselves known to me, but they never replied.

A beautiful country, but mostly heavy users of mind-expanding drugs or gangsters I believe so they have bigger things on their mind than replying to me.

That sentence probably a bit high risk – might upset El Padrino*

  1. I have a slate house sign outside my house which, from time to time you have to rub with cooking oil to make the slate go black and hence the silver lettering** visible.

I was caught by my neighbours yesterday doing this using a bottle of extra virgin olive oil – that being the most offensively middle class act they’d ever seen apparently. They ridiculed me and committed to keep ridiculing me indefinitely.

Fortunately, I was able to point out the 10 year old bright green Chevrolet Matiz hatchback on my drive.

If you ever need evidence that you’re just a regular guy, not horribly middle class*** I can recommend a few £ hundred worth of Chevvy hatchback.

I could rent it out if anyone asks via response to this.

Ah…I seem to be setting up my own  business, leasing prestige vehicles here.

Sounds a bit middle class really

 

* Silver paint – not actual silver gilt or anything. That would have crossed the boundary from middle class to aristocracy

** The Godfather – despite being a fluent Spanish speaker, I confess I had to look that one up. The Bolivians would understand that word, at two different levels

*** There are US readers of this Blog as well, none of whom understand this remark. I believe middle class in the US means somewhere between pauper and average, whereas in the UK it means somewhere between average and Royalty

The Japanese are a nation I associate with economising – minimising cost of fish cookery, by not cooking it, cost of dining furniture by just not having it and so on
Language, though is not an area in which I think of them as being particularly frugal. However, word has reached me that they have a single word, Tsujigiri which means ‘to try out a new samurai sword on a passer by’.

That is honestly true – look it up yourself

You’d think that for something that, even for your regular Samurai, presumably only happens once in a while, they could treat themselves to a blow out and use all 10 words above or- if that really seems self indulgent, just say ‘stab a stranger’.

This set me to thinking about other language quirks I’ve come across. Germany, as you’d expect is first target here.

My own son, a splendid and yet deceitful youth convinced me that a common insult in German is Kartoffelkopf – literally ‘potato head’. He led me sufficiently far up that garden path that I tried it in a meeting with 15 Germans in Munich, who just looked at me blankly.

After a short dispute, I looked it up on Googletranslate to prove I had the greater knowledge of their language.

Which I had – but also hadn’t.

Turns out it is literally correct, it’s just that no-one ever says it. Before I broke off diplomatic relations, they explained, in a teutonic kind of way that lettuce head and condom head are both literally correct, you just wouldn’t use them.

Other things I do like about Germany is their use of language though. When you say could I have a beer or whatever in a bar, they just say yes. This all seems right to me whereas, increasingly in the UK people say ‘no problem’

If I ask for a pizza in Pizza Express, I don’t expect it to be a problem really – that is their bloody job and I’m going to pay and everything, so it shouln’t feel like too much of a favour

I once had a language confusion outside a French bar – where they normally have waiter service to your table. Being kind of proud of my French ability, each time they came back I asked for ‘une autre biere’ – literally ‘another beer’.

They came back each time and I asked for the same thing but they seemed to become more and more irritated. I was trying to be nice – speaking their language, not laughing at their nation’s stripy shirts and everything.

After a long lunch they moved into English and just said ‘that is all’. It seemed we had drunk their entire bar out of beer, which explained their grumpy manner.

We were very proud.

However, the French Onion sellers on bikes with strings of onions round the neck would no doubt be there soon and they don’t take kindly to the English at the best of times. Another diplomatic incident was bound to follow.

Turms out that ‘une autre biere’, literally ‘another beer’ is used to mean ‘a different beer’

‘Encore une biere’, literally a ‘another beer’ is used to mean ‘another beer’

They thought we just didn’t like any of their beer and they were moving further and further out of ‘no problem’ territory.

If the Japanese can muddle through with a single word for ‘kill a stranger with a traditional sword’ Jeany Francais could surely manage with just one word for ‘another’.

There has been a bit of a hiatus on Posts to this blog but, I have been prompted to spend $17 or something renewing the davedawsonhaswaytoomuchtimeonhishands.com domain name

Realising that name must be a valuable asset, I have renewed it and, as such thought I ought to write something again.

In my more enthusiastic Blog period I used to write 1,000 words of shite in each Post, but I realise now that less is more for all concerned here.

So I offer just a short confession this time:

I bought my wife a birthday card recently and wrote a touching message on there, completing ‘Love Dave’.

Absent mindedly, I underlined it twice, but then realised it looked all a bit unromantic and business-like

As I didn’t have a second card available I then wrote ‘XXXX’ under the ‘Love Dave’

When viewed through the less understanding eyes of a woman, this apparently looks like me having written 4 kisses, then thought better of it and crossed them out.

I passed to my daughter to get a bit of understanding for an innocent error of judgement.

When viewed through the even less understanding eyes of a daughter, it apparently looks like someone who wrote ‘Love Dave’, then drew some barbed wire underneath

Oh Shit

 

The death of Great Train  Robber Ronnie Biggs this week led to lots of historical footage likening him to a modern day Robin Hood. In fact he was just an East End thug who robbed from the rich and kept if for him-bloody-self.

A dead git now, but still a git

This has brought to mind other bits of crime related trivia

US FACT 1

The total US deaths from all wars since the Declaration of Independence – WWII, Vietnam, Korea – Everything, is fewer than the total killed by gun crime since 1950.

And yet the National Rifle Association still claim the right to bear weapons based on a mis-quote of an amendment to the US constitution.

Simple sods

US FACT 2

The US has 5% of the global population but has 25% of the global prison population

There’s clearly something very wrong with the US legal system here and things must surely be changed.

Conversely, let’s focus on a few UK legal points

UK FACT 1

As a 17 year old, some friends and I mounted a night time raid – approaching at night with car headlights turned out, and stole a 3 foot high Frog Crossing road sign. One of only two signs in the country marking the site of an annual frog crossing between two streams

We featured as Cruel Thieves in a local newspaper but were never apprehended. The Statute of Limitations now applies so I will never be charged, but I’d now quite like to be.

There’d be something slightly cool about a criminal record for frog related crimes

UK FACT 2

For centuries, there was a crime in the UK of ‘Being an Incorrigible Rogue’

That would also be a remarkably cool criminal record to have. However, without anyone even telling me it was there, that crime was quietly removed from the Statute Book earlier this year so I can no longer commit it.

Clearly, there’s something right about UK Law and it just shouldn’t be messed  with

I feel sure someone out there can suggest a harmless and, yet entertaining item for a criminal record that I can aim for now