Archives for category: Just general blithering

My mother is currently in hospital having bits of her leg amputated in order to keep surgical staff off the streets. It’s a common side effect for diabetics in fairly old age that circulation in their feet and legs just isn’t up to muster any more and requires this kind of treatment.

The hospital appear to be treating her as having some kind of loyal customer status and recognizing that by replumbing her legs or lopping parts of them off completely on a weekly basis. All very necessary but a bit concerning for me, and I’m not even the one waking up to see how much of me is still remaining.

There is a positive to all this as well though. In her recovering status she mostly understands what is going on around her but is pretty drugged up with pain killers and not really able to maintain much of a conversation.  In order to avoid us both just sitting in silence, this has given me the 0ppurtunity to talk at her about things that only a captive audience would stay awake for.

Well, she doesn’t always stay awake in fact, but you take my general point.

My latest of these was reminding her of a sequence of deceits carried out by my father when I was a young child – with her tacit support since she never went out of her way to stop him. He had clearly reached the stage that many parents reach 0f being bombarded by too many stupid questions and just giving any quick, off the cuff answer that comes to mind. I was at an age that you tend to believe your parents fairly unquestioningly

For example, I asked why Cat’s Eyes are called that.   He told me they were for cats to see across the road.

The real reason wasn’t obvious to me then and even the fact that, to be useful for that purpose, they would have to run across the road rather than down the middle did not raise any questions in my mind

As another example, when watching a First World War film, I asked him how Germany army officers’ trousers – those padded jodhpur-like things with the extended sections to the outside of each thigh – kept their shape.

He told me it was because they were filled with concrete.

This one did seem a little unlikely at first, but thinking about it further, it did account for their stiff legged march. That one stayed with me for a number of years.

There are many more of these, but the reason I mentioned it to my mother was to let her know this disfunction has been passed subconsciously to me. For example, I convinced my daughter that she would be sleeping in a cupboard and even set up a bed in that would fit a seven year old successfully.

She believed that completely and told me years later that she was a bit upset by it, but mainly just when I told her the truth and she realised she wouldn’t be sleeping in there indefinitely.

I also used red food colouring to convince her that the red coloured Brussel Sprout existed and was in fact a sweeet variety best enjoyed with cream.
All very harmless in that case.

What was less harmlesss was one of my similar delusions on my son. I told him that Expresso coffee was made by boiling it down to such a consistency that it is eaten with a spoon and the cup could safely be inverted over someone’s head.

That example was one I probably should have thought through a bit more thoroughly.

They are now starting to pick these up much more easily, which has made me vulnerable to Boy who Cried Wolf situations.

People like me with Multiple Sclerosis  tend to fall over periodically, which has been pretty harmless so far on level ground, although it does tend to surprise passers by a bit, unless it happens in my normal drinking venues.  People seem to take it much more in their stride there.                                 

However, it has happened three times now at the top of my stairs and each time I fell down the full length of them, ending up on the floor having hit the wall at the bottom (facing backwards by a mechanism I can’t really understand).

It was fairly painful first time and I suspected I might have actually cracked a rib or something. Being badly winded, I could  only let out a very faint, and very high pitched whisper.

I couldn’t think of a really suitable phrase to summon assistance so just shouted ‘Help’, or more accurately just sort of twittered ‘Help’.  As I lay there, I could hear both children debating it upstairs and deciding I was just messing around again.

I finally heard them agreeing for one of them to come and check me out just in case, but my lesson was learned.

Mostly learned anyway.

I just came back from dinner, having written this Post beforehand and by the same compulsion, I found myself telling them that the Kidney Beans in their Chilli con Carne are actually the kidneys of a small animal and are so called as they resemble a bean.

Pointless and not even funny but I just can’t stop myself doing it.

I think I may need some professional help here if I can just get some guidance on what specialists deal with this kind of  thing.

By which I mean 2nd instalment of my marriage updates, not a 2nd marriage.

Having blogged about my 20th anniversary a while ago, I felt I should bring you some less positive news.

I discover that my wife’s last boyfriend before me, Richard Wiseman, now appears in the Independent on Sunday’s list of ‘100 people that make Britain a better place to live’. At best, I must be at position 500.

 I met Richard once and he seemed a nice enough chap and is very good on TV, but can he justifiably be that  far ahead of me?

 Emma and my children seem to quite like me for a start and that’s not all, there must be dozens more.

 The owners of my preferred Doner Kebab shop, at least, must accept that me subsidising their boutique is a positive thing. They’re Greek, and the parlous state of their economy at the minute would make their votes count for double.

 Furthermore, my willingness to attempt to fly paragliders despite little innate ability maintains the lifestyle of several of the more tolerant instructors.

 So here’s my idea: I change the details of this Blog to state that all followers implicitly agree that I have made Britain a better place to live.

 Would this work?

 I think I could get 50 followers from work as a start. Blogs by their nature are a less intrusive format than eMail so people would sign up just to stop me bothering them by sending this kind of stuff direct.

 Probably needs several thousand people to give my campaign any real impetus. Could be possible though great oak trees from little acorns and all that.

 Maybe some more conventional ideas to kick start my campaign. Print up some T shirts or something.

Also, it needs a campaign name really.

 Maybe Dave Dawson Makes Britain a Better Place to Live and Stops Him Sending Me More Bloody eMails.

 Might need some work to generate a more  memorable acronym though.  DDMBPTLSHSMMBE isn’t going to stick in anyone’s  mind

Finally, I guess Richard Wiseman probably has stuff all over the web. If I was to link to him in some way it could either be;

i) A cunning way of leading readers who are already in a positive frame from a Blog or other site belonging to Richard

ii) The act of an Internet stalker who is more likely to be arrested than to acquire supporters

I’ll consider any opinions on those options before I take this any further.

My wife, the lovely Emma and I have been married for 20 years.
To celebrate her good fortune in this regard, I will be off taking her to Prague for a long weekend.

There, I can introduce her to Czech beer in a romantic setting.

You will find this hard to believe I imagine (the 20 years, not the beer and romance), due to my youthful appearance and childlike joie de vivre.
You must remember we were married virtually as children though.

I have never been to Prague, but I have prepared in a number of ways:
i)I have looked at pictures of the city on the web and it looks very nice. Not a huge amount of preparation, I’ll grant you but it was me that suggested getting married in the first place, so I’m actually ahead on points here

ii) I have bought a Czech translation app for my iPhone. That will actually read out the words for me to simplify the pronunciation of a language which seems to use vowels in an unusually thrifty way.
The exception to that is the word ‘pivo’ which means beer and, as I recall is conveniently the same in all 4 languages from the former Yugoslavian countries too.

iii) I have order some currrency. There are mechanisms by which you can order via the Web in advance to collect at the airport.I couldn’t be bothered to look into that so I just used the phone.
Not such a rewarding experience for me but, presumably a good thing for the guy manning the currency order phone line.

By virtue of having been married for this long, we often find we are thinking the same thing at the same time so conversation is unnecessary. As such, it’s possible we’ll just spend the weekend sitting in bars and cafes, in companionable silence, the passtime at which Britain leads the world.

I will be returning on Monday fresh for a golfing team build thing.

As a word of warning, I once got a fractured skull at a pitch and putt golf course. Pictures of my skull x-rays can be viewed at http://www.golfingcretin.co.uk